ZONING – NEW BUSH INITITIVE
an announcement that astonished most urban planners, White
House spokesman Scott McClellan said today that President
Bush was considering an executive order to drastically modify
Massachusetts 's 40B law – and all similar laws nationwide.
Chapter 40B is called the “anti-snob zoning law.” It encourages
towns and cities to build housing for moderate and low income
citizens. The new executive order, McClellan explained, provides
incentives for the construction of golf courses, marinas,
mini jetports, exclusive members-only clubs and other such
organizations that cater to wealthy citizens.
President aims to create a level playing field for all classes
in America ,” McClellan said. “Anti-snob zoning laws clearly
discriminate against snobs. The new executive order will rectify
a Yale Club speech in New York City , the President elaborated.
“The condemnation of snobs is undemocratic. It is unconstitutional.
And it is antimarket. I intend to put an end to it,” he said.
party stands for all of us who have worked hard to get where
we are,” Bush went on to a hushed audience. “We have climbed
the backs of folks, knocked some down, kicked and trampled
others in this wonderful no-holds-barred American way of life.
Having succeeded on the playing field of life, liberals now
would deny us our rightful rewards - to play golf whenever
we want, wherever we want.” The President concluded his remarks
to a standing ovation.
prestigious Patriotic Design Institute, a conservative urban
planning think tank, praised the new concept of Snob Zoning.
“All our society's evils stem from our blighted cities,” said
a spokesman. “We abhor the misguided attempts to rebuild them.
Let's turn our backs on those stinkholes of poverty to create
a new American society dotted with verdant fields and those
beautiful little flags, nestled up to an executive jetport,
surrounded by gated communities where homes cuddle to a dock
where the yacht is parked. Places like Hilton Head are the
supreme example of good planning. We are ready to help our
President spread that good work all across America .”
President's economic advisors support the plan as a major
piece of Bush's Economic Revitalization Strategy (ERS). “The
trickle down effect on our economy will be dramatic,” said
an ERS spokesman. “It will employ architects, landscape designers,
boat builders, and the executive jet industry – the very backbone
of our economy - to stimulate a far ranging revival.”
the Pentagon sees advantages. One General, who wished to remain
anonymous, pointed to “collateral advantages.” “The new gated
communities will need guards who can be trained as rapid response
militia to help quell terrorist activities or civil unrest,”
he said. “Training in yacht handling will provide qualified
captains for our naval vessels in times of war and this snob
based initiative supports the understanding that human beings
are born fundamentally unequal and will help instill what
we call “pride of power” in our dispirited officer corps.”
details of the new order are known.
any American town where golf courses do not occupy at least
10 percent of the available land, developers can override
local zoning and build a course before any other construction
towns where land suitable for golf courses does not exist,
the Army Corps of Engineers will create “golf course amenable
are excited,” said General Arden T. Dambuilder. “Conservationists
have been forcing us to dynamite the dams that were once our
bread and butter. We were at the point of being without a
meaningful mission. Now we have something really important
to do. I call it operation Greening of America. This gets
my engine running.”
local or Federal statues restrict construction due to impact
on wetlands or endangered species, the executive order supercedes
are declaring a preemptive strike on the snail darter,” Defense
Secretary Rumsfeld told a press briefing.
Administration insiders say the new snob initiative is designed
to deflect attention from the recent failure of inspectors
to find Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.
have been surprisingly quiet in recent days, seemingly unwilling
to place themselves against anything as essentially American
daddy played golf,” said former senate majority leader Trent
Lott. “I play golf. Everybody on my side of the aisle plays
golf. It's a game that crosses party lines. Hell, Franklin
Roosevelt would have played golf if he could have lifted his
skinny liberal ass out of that wheelchair.”
Republican majority has swung solidly behind Bush's new vision
for America .
is not just about golf,” said one well-placed source, “it's
about freeing us from all forms of antisnobbery. The wealthy
of our country are just plain sick of being kicked around
by every Tom, Dick and Angela – people who can't afford the
better things in life. Why can't they afford them? Because
they don't have any money – that's why. Get a job, I say.”
spokesman for a well-known conservative think tank – a sociologist
from Bob Jones University – said the new law would give the
poor an incentive to make something of themselves.
give-away programs have failed because they hold out no goals
to the poor folks of this country. They give them nothing
to aspire to. Now there will be a golf course, yacht club
or gated community in their neighborhoods. They can clearly
see the advantage of hard work and of making money. Besides,”
he added, “think of the new jobs that will be provided for
them. Every golf course will need caddies.”