SNOB ZONING – NEW BUSH INITITIVE

By Sam Low

In an announcement that astonished most urban planners, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said today that President Bush was considering an executive order to drastically modify Massachusetts 's 40B law – and all similar laws nationwide. Chapter 40B is called the “anti-snob zoning law.” It encourages towns and cities to build housing for moderate and low income citizens. The new executive order, McClellan explained, provides incentives for the construction of golf courses, marinas, mini jetports, exclusive members-only clubs and other such organizations that cater to wealthy citizens.

“The President aims to create a level playing field for all classes in America ,” McClellan said. “Anti-snob zoning laws clearly discriminate against snobs. The new executive order will rectify that.”

In a Yale Club speech in New York City , the President elaborated. “The condemnation of snobs is undemocratic. It is unconstitutional. And it is antimarket. I intend to put an end to it,” he said.

“Our party stands for all of us who have worked hard to get where we are,” Bush went on to a hushed audience. “We have climbed the backs of folks, knocked some down, kicked and trampled others in this wonderful no-holds-barred American way of life. Having succeeded on the playing field of life, liberals now would deny us our rightful rewards - to play golf whenever we want, wherever we want.” The President concluded his remarks to a standing ovation.

The prestigious Patriotic Design Institute, a conservative urban planning think tank, praised the new concept of Snob Zoning. “All our society's evils stem from our blighted cities,” said a spokesman. “We abhor the misguided attempts to rebuild them. Let's turn our backs on those stinkholes of poverty to create a new American society dotted with verdant fields and those beautiful little flags, nestled up to an executive jetport, surrounded by gated communities where homes cuddle to a dock where the yacht is parked. Places like Hilton Head are the supreme example of good planning. We are ready to help our President spread that good work all across America .”

The President's economic advisors support the plan as a major piece of Bush's Economic Revitalization Strategy (ERS). “The trickle down effect on our economy will be dramatic,” said an ERS spokesman. “It will employ architects, landscape designers, boat builders, and the executive jet industry – the very backbone of our economy - to stimulate a far ranging revival.”

Even the Pentagon sees advantages. One General, who wished to remain anonymous, pointed to “collateral advantages.” “The new gated communities will need guards who can be trained as rapid response militia to help quell terrorist activities or civil unrest,” he said. “Training in yacht handling will provide qualified captains for our naval vessels in times of war and this snob based initiative supports the understanding that human beings are born fundamentally unequal and will help instill what we call “pride of power” in our dispirited officer corps.”

Some details of the new order are known.

In any American town where golf courses do not occupy at least 10 percent of the available land, developers can override local zoning and build a course before any other construction can occur.

In towns where land suitable for golf courses does not exist, the Army Corps of Engineers will create “golf course amenable landscapes.”

“We are excited,” said General Arden T. Dambuilder. “Conservationists have been forcing us to dynamite the dams that were once our bread and butter. We were at the point of being without a meaningful mission. Now we have something really important to do. I call it operation Greening of America. This gets my engine running.”

Where local or Federal statues restrict construction due to impact on wetlands or endangered species, the executive order supercedes such regulations.

“We are declaring a preemptive strike on the snail darter,” Defense Secretary Rumsfeld told a press briefing.

Some Administration insiders say the new snob initiative is designed to deflect attention from the recent failure of inspectors to find Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

Democrats have been surprisingly quiet in recent days, seemingly unwilling to place themselves against anything as essentially American as Golf.

“My daddy played golf,” said former senate majority leader Trent Lott. “I play golf. Everybody on my side of the aisle plays golf. It's a game that crosses party lines. Hell, Franklin Roosevelt would have played golf if he could have lifted his skinny liberal ass out of that wheelchair.”

The Republican majority has swung solidly behind Bush's new vision for America .

“This is not just about golf,” said one well-placed source, “it's about freeing us from all forms of antisnobbery. The wealthy of our country are just plain sick of being kicked around by every Tom, Dick and Angela – people who can't afford the better things in life. Why can't they afford them? Because they don't have any money – that's why. Get a job, I say.”

One spokesman for a well-known conservative think tank – a sociologist from Bob Jones University – said the new law would give the poor an incentive to make something of themselves.

“Liberal give-away programs have failed because they hold out no goals to the poor folks of this country. They give them nothing to aspire to. Now there will be a golf course, yacht club or gated community in their neighborhoods. They can clearly see the advantage of hard work and of making money. Besides,” he added, “think of the new jobs that will be provided for them. Every golf course will need caddies.”